Some Points About Getting Older
Conjured up by Martin B with a shit pile of help from an A.I. Robot that goes by the name of "Rhonda G. Blevins".
The Tin Hat Tango: A Retirement Tale
Rufus McCluskey was 78 years old, bald as a cue ball, and had finally reached the pinnacle of human enlightenment: he no longer gave a single crap.
It was a quiet Tuesday morning, the kind of day where Rufus liked to sit on his porch in his “Go The Hell Away” T-shirt, sipping lukewarm coffee and yelling at squirrels for having too much energy. Life was good.
That’s when Randy came over. Randy was his neighbor’s 43-year-old nephew who had recently discovered the “truth” on YouTube and was now a self-certified expert on everything from electromagnetic mind control to birds being government drones.
“Hey Rufus!” Randy called, jogging over in Crocs and camouflage cargo shorts. “You ever wonder why they put fluoride in water? It calcifies your pineal gland. That’s your third eye, man.”
Rufus took a long sip of coffee, never breaking eye contact. “I use that water to clean my dentures, Randy. If the government’s trying to control me, they’re doing a terrible job—I once accidentally mailed my taxes to a pizza place.”
Randy was undeterred. “Okay but—chemtrails. You’ve seen the lines in the sky? That ain’t jet fuel. That’s weather control. They’re making it rain on purpose.”
Rufus narrowed his eyes. “I make it rain on purpose too, Randy. Every time I water my marijuana plants with a beer can and a thumb over the hole.”
Randy squinted. “You’re not taking this seriously.”
“Oh, I used to,” Rufus said, leaning back in his chair. “Back when I thought people who said ‘do your own research’ had actually done any. But now? Now I just nod, go home, and eat pudding.”
Randy looked confused.
“I used to argue,” Rufus went on. “Tried to explain logic, facts, reason. But then I realized—it’s like trying to teach a ferret to do taxes. All you get is confusion, noise, and maybe a mess on the floor.”
“But what about the youth?” Randy asked.
Rufus shrugged. “If they're under 25 and still got the brain elasticity to learn, I’ll give 'em facts. If they’re old enough to rent a car and still think wind turbines cause cancer, then I figure it’s natural selection’s problem now.”
Randy left eventually—probably to film a TikTok about Rufus being a “sheeple.” Rufus didn't mind. He turned up his hearing aids just enough to hear the wind, not the nonsense, and got back to his crossword puzzle where the answer to 5-Across was "sanity," but it felt oddly out of place these days.
Moral of the Story: With age comes wisdom, creaky knees, and the divine right to let people be wrong in peace. Unless it’s hurting someone, especially a kid, let them believe the moon is a hologram, the earth is flat, NASA never put a man on the moon. You’ve got better things to do. Like nap. Or soup.
Meet Randy, he is a moron. Just let him believe...
